" so, how was 2006 for you dear? "
one word to describe it all - fucked.
2006 has been a bad year. very bad one. in terms of relationships, academically, healthwise and financially, if that is of any importance.
i've been screwing up all my relations with people. i've made new friends, but i've lost some old ones as well. give and take, is that what you say? nah, i don't think so. i think it's just us not making an effort to change what is in front of us. if i had taken the initiative, or perhaps if you/they had done something about this gap between us, i'm sure things wouldn't turn out like that. look at whats happening now? everyone & everything's just.. wrong. why? nobody knows. it used to be like before. except that maybe, there are some additions&subtractions. i wish i had done more, but then i think back and i realise, that i'd been the only one who gave a damn about us. i wish we had a stronger bond, really.
then i got to know some new people whom i liked immensely, hah. put it this way - they were people whom i could really talk to outside of school. you know how its like, when you want to talk about something thats happening, but you don't wanna tell it to your bestfriends. its not that you don't trust them or whatsoever, but you want a fresh perspective. thats what i got from these new friends. i got much love too. hur. but i pretty much screwed up all the chances i've got this year to fix that problem of loneliness. thats about twice or thrice. i don't know. its just me.
oh. did i mention how hurt i got when one of them actually.. sigh. i don't know how to put it in words. its funny how you act like you don't give a fuck, but you do and you're the one who gets the most affected by it. that's how i felt. twice. then again. i was the one who caused it all to happen. i should've known, should've seen it coming. because it seemed like thats what i wanted to happen, right? nah. it wasn't. i screwed it all up. i blasted my chances.
i'm sorry, to ***** and **** .
please don't talk about these 2 anymore.
it was all my fault.
one postive aspect of this year's relations aspect was that i kinda relinquished old ties with Josephine. its kinda weird actually.. but nevermind. we're good friends now. and yeah. actually, i kinda find it amusing that we've been in the same dyam class for 9years, but we're the closest at this period of time. also, i haven't been bothering people about my problems much. perhaps sometimes i whine and complain and comment but i find i haven't really been sharing and talking about my life to anyone at all. its pretty much nothing to say but i sometimes wished i could talk to somebody over a cup of coffee forever. it helps clears my thoughts. if i had done that yesterday, i wouldn't be typing so much crap right now.
academically, i can't say that i didn't expect this but lets just say that i could've done a lot better. and i mean a lot. i'm not disappointed in that way, more of a kind of realization. yeah, very late i know. actually i knew it all along, i just supressed it within myself. its just me. sometimes i really put in effort, i really try my best but it doesnt turn out well. thats when it sucks. yah you know how it feels, i bet. but the worst it can get is when, you do well and youre really satisfied and have the urge to continue to do better, but you realise that others' expections are so much higher. thats how i feel most of the time. like i'm never good enough. there is no other way i can impress or prove my ability, only academically. i have no talent, nothing special about me deserves any sort of pride in my ability. thats how important my results are to my family. yes, family. they're the only reason why i bother. but then again, they don't because they don't see what i've put in. yeah, the report book is the price to pay, right Dad? want to do this, want to do that? okay, let me see your results first. okay, go study first. okay Dad. i've tried. can i do this? no Girl you can't, you're not good enough.
right, go fuck yourself lah Girl.
you just sit there wishing you had a little more brains that that fuckhead who topped the level. yeah, wishing.
falling sick every few months ain't a good thing. and now, down with that fucked up throat & flu shit. i wish i had a stronger immunity system. all these getting sick and fever on my head is burning my brain cells away. i can't think straight. and at these times when i'm feeling so physically down, it affects that thing up in the skull. i get really emotionally drained too. its like all of a sudden i'm left to take care of myself. not that i can't do it but i just hope someone could walk the route with me. its all i ask for but i guess i'm asking for too much. at times, i wish it was still back in 2005, where i stayed at the hospital down with Dengue Fever. yes despite my condition, it was probably the time where i felt most loved .. i don't know. it hurts me to think how people's short attention spans are. all these lying on the bed and recuperating... they just make me think even more. its not going very well with the brain too.
sigh. year 2006 has been a bad year. i've lost so many things, i've even lost count of how many. its hard to turn back time to go back to everything beforehand. its not like i regret, not like i need it. but it was so much happier. it was great. all the love, all the care, all the attention. where are the efforts now? why does nobody care anymore? its like we're all gone, non-existent. living in our own worlds where nothing matters, except us. put it nicely, we only care bout things that affect us duh. living for the moment? yeah maybe if thats how you want to say it. you're right. perhaps thats why you don't really about the past, do you. think about your life right now. were you happier in the past? maybe, maybe not. it differs. whatever it is, move on, move on ..
everybody's needs a hand sometimes. i'd be there to give you mine if you ever need.
and then again where are those who did?
yeah.
so much for getting up & staying strong ...
because nobody ever appreciated what they had back then, did they?
